"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).
"Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19).
Many may say "what a strange thing to talk about .. of course I love my wife, it is natural, it is why I married her".
My wife is Trish; we are long married, and the years have rolled by. Trish and I have had to face many difficulties, together and separately. Children have come along, bringing great blessings and also many complications. And there is our work, mine and hers, within and outside of our home, and also our extended family and sport and our other strong interests.
We grow and are not the same as when we were courting and newly wed. Love is different now. Isn't this true? Isn't your life together different?
"Husbands, love your wives" said Paul. The words are clear; they were written to the whole church at Ephesus and also at Colossae; Paul will have seen things which prompted him to share this thought with both groups.
I see Paul as the great discipler, he shows us who we are in Jesus - see the early chapters of Ephesians and Colossians. Then, to complete those letters, he teaches us how to grow in Jesus to realise our potential as human beings, as Christians (Ephesians 4:12-13) and as ambassadors for Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:20), and so that we can to bring salt and light (Matthew 5:13-14) to our generation (Philippians 2:15).
Like Paul I have seen things. Trish and I were "fine"; we now have grown-up children and grandchildren too. But, truth be told, things were only mostly fine, other times there was friction and dissatisfaction.
Oscar Wilde said that bigamy is when a man has too many wives, and that having just one wife is very much the same .. In the Western democracies statistics suggest that about half of all married people feel as Oscar Wilde did.
Was I heading along the path to be another statistic? I don't know. Trish is likely strong enough that she would have kept us together regardless of any foolishness I did, like running off to live alone. I never stopped loving Trish. What we have is precious, as it was when I fell in love across a room. I think that it just became a bit patchy.
Thankfully I met two men for whom these Scripture verses have come alive, men who are now my friends, who have actively responded to this godly command and have the most beautiful testimonies. Each of them, and I, have different stories, but the glorious joy and richness we have found is the same.
Testimony: My Two Friends, And Now Me Also
"Here is my wife, this person whom God gave to me, (and I truly believe this: my wife Trish was chosen for me and given to me by our loving Father God). Sometimes we became uncomfortable, at those times we seemed to no longer belong together or be fully fitted.
Even so, I knew that our separating would have a terrible impact on everyone in our family, us too. Our thousands of wonderful memories would be blighted. Family events, (and there are many every year), would be less fulsome, less happy, less complete. The children may feel that they have to take sides.
Trish and I remember when our kids would come home from school and say that such-and-such brother's and sister's parents had split up and how hurt the children were; years later the hurt is still there with the now-young-adult brother and sister making their way in the world; and the parents too, their pain is still clearly present, even after they have "moved on".
Besides, there was so much promise in Trish and my meeting and marrying, surely this was not a false promise?
And there is God's Word:
"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, see also Malachi 2:15).
"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
"In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself" (Ephesians 5:28).
My testimony continues: "I thought that I could take this on as a project for Jesus (and for my wife and me). What do Paul's words mean? What is the "love" he talks about? How and what will I need to change? What do I need to give up? And for how long?"
Both my friend's testimonies, and my own, tell that we learned that "love" is a doing word; love requires thought, commitment and sacrifice, indeed everything we admire in Jesus points to how we should love our wife (Ephesians 5:25). Just as Jesus always prayed before He acted, we learned that prayer was an essential part of our "work" in re-growing our marriages. And, the relationships between men and women are not simply physical and emotional, they are also spiritual, we had to learn to give more fully from our spirit too.
Marriage was never primarily for the husband and wife, and it is not "all about love" (which implies that if we can no longer feel the love, the marriage is over). No, marriage is primarily for the children, so that they grow strong and loving and balanced in a healthy, stable environment, and also for our society, that it too is a stable, healthy environment. This is why, in every country, marriage has been made part of the civil law. Marriage is so important to every society that we protect and encourage it for the betterment of all.
I was intrigued to note that, in our Bibles, wives are not instructed to love their husbands. My researches show that this is because men and women are different. Men must make a conscious effort to take their focus off their work and other interests, and deliberately care for their wife, while women will respond to true, practical love with love! Women are instructed: "However .. the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Observation shows me that unless we husbands earn that respect, I believe we are unlikely to receive very much at all.
When I set out to grow in loving Trish, one of the first things I learned was to bite my tongue, to be less free with my comments and criticisms of Trish and her ways (James 3:5, 1 Peter 3:10). This was hard. It still is. Over the years I had become like Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady", thinking "why can't a woman be more like a man?" Trish, like Eliza Doolittle, is not a man, praise Jesus, and, like all of us, was carefully hand-made by God our Father to be herself; and this I needed to learn again, how to treasure and respect her unique person and her woman-ness.
Another thing. These changes in me would not happen overnight. We three men learned that the necessary changes would be difficult and that we would have to call on our Christian training for guidance. Also we would have to break old habits and learn new ones (this I believe takes about 40 days, a timespan known to Jesus Himself): "train yourself to be godly .. godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:7-8). I realised that loving my wife God's way would be costly, it would be me who would need to change so it would be costly to me.
In my career as a computer database specialist, I was involved in some important cutting-edge projects, I became a hot-shot and loved my work; but that was then. Now I no longer do paid work, my life is small and I have come to love that. I pray for the whole world, but day-to-day I live among my immediate family and a handful of small prayer groups. People with big lives seem to have all the big problems associated with the big things they are involved in; they may have too little time or energy for the truly big things in their lives, those things involving their relationships with family and the people close to them.
When we study God and the Cosmos, we see that God is most focused on relationships, firstly within the Godhead of Father, Son and Spirit and their eternal loving, sharing relationship, and then with us, His created people, the only creatures created in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:26), and the only creatures with a spirit (Genesis 2:7; 1 Thessalonians 5:23), just like "God who is spirit" (John 4:24).
We can relate to God spirit to spirit. The whole Bible is about this special relationship between God and humankind (Matthew 22:37), a relationship where God's precious Son will marry a spotless bride (Ephesians 5:27), us Christians, and we will see and know His glory (Isaiah 60:2).
The Creation of physical things and all life was created on God's spoken word in six days. In the fullness of time this Creation will have served its purpose and "be rolled up like an old garment" (Hebrews 1:10), then God will bring forth "a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells" (2 Peter 3:13; Revelation 21:1). The Creation is vast to us and we all wonder at its beauty. Scientists have been studying it since the earliest days and still have many questions. The Creation is not a closed system. To God it is secondary to us people and our relationship with Him, including our marriages, these are all designed to last eternally. Hallelujah!
Trish’s and my marriage had sometimes lost some of its joy and flavour and vitality, but it did not so much need rescuing as reviving, happily it was far from dead.
We can find many lists of the
most important elements of human life, none include "being divorced"
or "being unhappy in marriage". Here is a list I made when reflecting
on the past two or three years of our marriage:
• Commitment
• Cleanliness
• Generosity
• Humility
• Contentment
"Listening" comes first, I think this was Trish's greatest unmet need from me, she is very relational (Trish is not strong with physics or numbers, while I am). People respond to her amazingly, (it was the same with my mother!) and she can make any plant grow and bloom! I needed simply to listen. I studied "active listening", it is a skill, easy to learn but quite hard to do.
"Commitment" speaks for itself .. I am often reminded that my greatest good will come from a great marriage, so, I am looking out for me, not just "us". Yes, I am committed!
"Cleanliness” may be obvious. I am not a dirty person but some of my untidy habits ("O, surely that pile of books is fine") really upset Trish who is a lovely homemaker, so I try to improve in those things .. inside and out, on myself and around about our household.
"Generosity" is something Jesus loves. I pray about giving and have learned to go beyond tithing and be free and relaxed about it, and now with myself towards Trish too.
"Humility" is a Jesus hallmark. He was the one who left His glorious life in Heaven to come and become a servant to all (Mark 9:12; Luke 9:22) and then die for us (Romans 5:8) and rise again (1 Corinthians 15:3-7). Besides, as Christians we are expected to "one another" one another, our wife is our best place to start: (Philippians 2:3-4; Matthew 22:35-40).
"Contentment" is lovely: we are told to "grow where you are planted" and "be grateful in all things". "Godliness with contentment is great gain" (1 Timothy 6:6), so true. Trish and I volunteer at "The Garden of Hope" where many of the people are recovering addicts, the amount of gratitude seen there is awesome and inspirational. I now have Jesus' peace (John 14:27) and am content .. I think that this is what the Bible calls "shalom".
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful" (Colossians 3:15).
So I have been working at all this for a good while now, it is not a burden and has mostly become second nature. Our marriage is really good.
Trish and I, and our whole family, are facing some big challenges but we are facing them together with peace, joy and love in our hearts.
Both Trish and I know and love Jesus, and we have one another truly and fully in our covenant marriage. Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
Simple But Poignant Quotes
"The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother". From Theodore Hesburgh.
"And as ridiculous as it may sound, sometimes all any of us needs in life is for someone to hold our hand and walk next to us". James Frey.
Favourite Scripture Verses
"Keep looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2).
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life" (2 Peter 1:3).
"So encourage one another and help one another to grow stronger in faith, just as you are already doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Thank you Jesus. Amen.
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